Asking for Help is Successful Parenting

I see lots of frustrated and stressed out parents. There are a number of phrases that I hear so often I'm considering making a poster for my wall so parents know they're not alone. These phrases are what it may sound like when parents are calling for help:

Top 10 Parent Sayings
(that may indicate a need for a new plan)

1. It worked for a little while.
2. I’ve tried everything. 
3. Time-out doesn’t work.
4. I’ve tried explaining things. 
5. He should do it because he’s expected to.
6. I feel like I have to ask 100 times. 
7. Everything is a battle.
8. It’s like pulling teeth. 
9. He doesn’t care about getting spanked.
10. I have to call him down all the time. 

If you are a frustrated, confused, and stressed out parent, don't feel like it reflects poorly on you in any way to go ask for help. Asking for help when needed is the most responsible thing you can do as a parent. You are concerned about your child's welfare, you want to have a good relationship with them, and you want them to be successful. Asking for help may simply be a part of achieving that. Refusing to seek help because of pride can further increase your stress and may cause you to do something you would regret. 

When working with parents, a psychologist does not judge them and certainly doesn't think less of them. I have seen amazing parents and wonderful people come in for help. They have incredible patience and love for their children, but they have simply run out of ideas. I have tremendous respect for these parents because they have realized that they need to get some outside input and are taking action. When we are frustrated, it is hardest to think about things logically and realize what we need to do (as opposed to what we feel like doing). As an outsider, the psychologist has the luxury of not being directly affected by the child's behavior, not being as frustrated, and not being so personally invested that they lose the ability to be objective. 

Parenting is a hard job, but it can be the most rewarding experience as well. However, parents must take care of themselves so they can take care of their child. When you reach your limit, take a step back and consider if you might need to get a little help. Know that if you decide you do, it's not a failure, but a success.

Making Concessions

When we are trying to change a child's behavior, it is partly about identifying the behavior we want to see, but also about getting the child to actually engage in the behavior. Getting their cooperation can be very challenging. It may be a matter of identifying a good reward for the behavior, but it also may be a matter of managing inconvenience to the child. Naturally, if something is highly inconvenient, then we are reluctant to do it. Why should we expect it to be any different for children? We can develop an elaborate and brilliant behavior plan, but if the child will not actually do the behavior, then the plan has zero effectiveness.

So how do we address inconvenience? We consider what we are asking the child to give up. Whatever the child's problem behavior is, the child continues to do it for a reason. Identifying that reason is a good first step. We are also asking for a certain amount of time and effort for the new behavior. If we can reduce this demand, then we also improve the child's willingness to do the new behavior. When all else fails, we can ramp up the reward to make it "worthwhile."

Let's consider a common problem: Doing Homework
A child isn't doing his homework, instead he gets home, fights about homework, procrastinates, and maybe will do a little bit of it after a lot of nagging. This is frustrating and a pretty common situation. On the one hand, the child should do his homework (it's the right thing, everyone has to do it, and he is expected to), but the fact of the matter is he isn't doing it.

Let's consider why he isn't doing it. Is it because it is too hard? Is it because it takes too long? Is it because he likes to fight about it? Is it because his favorite show is on? We can consider many reasons, but ultimately the first one is a problem of ability (he can't do it, so he resists it) and must be addressed with instruction and practice. That's a legitimate problem and he needs some help. The other reasons have more to do with resistance because homework isn't fun and he would rather do things that are fun. That's behavior, and that's something that can be addressed.

We have a lot of options that are designed to make it feel like homework doesn't take "forever." We can set timers, we can have planned breaks, and we can break up the homework task into chunks (rather than 50 problems, it's just 5 sets of 10 problems with a break after each set). That can make a big task seem shorter. Now we work on the incentive to increase compliance. "Complete homework before the timer runs out and you get a reward (maybe some videogame or TV time)." Or maybe offer a small reward for each set of problems completed.

Summary
We would like for children to do "the right thing" because they should, but this expectation is not always reasonable (and sometimes it just doesn't matter). If we insist on it, we can get a lot of push back and lose a lot of time and patience. It's often helpful to consider why the child is resisting the task and accept that their reason, though perhaps ridiculous to you, is actually perfectly reasonable in their mind. Then focus on the problem rather than on your frustration and consider what you're asking them to give up. If you can adjust that a bit, you may suddenly get much less resistance and frustration (for everybody).

Sleep Routines

"Sleep problems" aren't really my main focus, but I've seen quite a few parents having problems with their child's sleep habits. The problems include the child not falling asleep in a reasonable amount of time, repeatedly getting out of bed, loudly complaining and refusing to go to bed, wanting to sleep in their parents' bed, or just being afraid of the dark. There are many things that can produce problems with sleep and there are many ways to deal with them. I always ask parents this same set of questions:

• What times does ____ usually go to bed (not necessarily asleep)?
• How long does it take for ____ to go to sleep?
• What time does ____ usually wake up in the morning?
• How easy is it for ____ to wake up?
• What is their mood when they wake up and do they seem tired the next day? 

I ask these questions for sleep problems and for a wide variety of behavior problems. Sleep is critical for a child (and for adults).  It is important for a child's physical and mental development, and it greatly affects their behavior and their ability to learn effectively in school. If a child hasn't gotten enough sleep, then the brain is less ready to learn and the child is less able to handle the frustration necessary for learning new things. We see more behavior problems because the child's tolerance for frustration is so low and their ability to control their behavior is simply not as good.

Though a child may try to insist otherwise, children really need sleep routines. They should be going to bed at basically the same time every night and waking up at about the same time every morning. By maintaining this, the child's body gets into the habit and they will naturally begin to feel more tired and ready for sleep at around the same time each day. This makes it much easier for them to go to sleep. As a quick note: I strongly discourage allowing children to fall asleep with the TV on. TV's are designed to be naturally stimulating and attention-grabbing.

It can also help to use a familiar routine of activities every night to prepare for bedtime. That might include taking a shower, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, laying in bed, listening to a story, and getting tucked in. The routine activities help prepare the brain for going to sleep. It is sort of like when you see a bunch of familiar landmarks on the way home. You know where you're going because you see all of the same things and you know what to expect at the end of it. It's the same way with these activities, but naturally you want your child's bedtime routine to include activities that are less exciting and stimulating for them so they can "wind down."


The first major step in helping your child with their sleep problems is to establish a routine and stick to it. Be consistent and they'll get the hang of it (if we keep changing it, they'll just be confused). We cannot make a child sleep (which they'll point out to you if they're fighting it), but we can help them be more successful at it. We can use a routine, we can require them to stay in their room, and we can remove a lot of the distractions they may use to keep from sleeping (toys, TV, video games...). Beyond that, we need a large amount of patience as they begin to learn how to sleep well.

Tourette's Syndrome

Tourette's Syndrome is a spectacular disorder full of profanity, if Hollywood actually portrayed it correctly. In truth, Tourette's is a neurological disorder that produces involuntary behaviors (very rarely profanity). These behaviors are called "tics", and include motor tics (movements of the body) and vocal tics (which typically produce sounds with the mouth or nose). The severity of the disorder can range from fairly small behaviors that are hard to notice, to very complex or forceful behaviors that can be physically harmful to the person with the disorder. Tourette's is not easy to understand and parents may be alarmed and frustrated by the child's behavior, or may simply try to ignore it and explain it as "something they'll grow out of."

In truth, some individuals do grow out of Tourette's (as they enter adulthood), but many others continue to have tics throughout their life. The tics in Tourette's come and go, increase and decrease in severity, and change over time (sometimes they are said to "move" from one area to another). In addition to tics, children with Tourette's may have obsessive-compulsive behaviors, difficulty controlling their emotional responses, and have more frequent behavior problems. I have had the opportunity to work with many individuals with Tourette's or related disorders, and have Tourette's myself. I wish to share a little bit about this commonly misunderstood disorder.

One thing that has really stood out to me is how often Tourette's goes undiagnosed and untreated. It may be because parents don't know that the child is showing tics or it may be because they do not wish to consider the possibility that their child has Tourette's. There is no "cure" for Tourette's, but there are good treatment options these days, including behavioral therapy ("CBIT" - Comprehensive Behavioral Intervention for Tics) and medication. Medication is usually used for more severe tics that risk producing medical harm, but behavioral therapy is a fairly quick (perhaps 12 sessions) and efficient approach to reducing the severity and frequency of tics. Tourette's is certainly nothing to be ashamed of because it is simply an impulse created by the brain (like blinking or breathing), but many people may feel embarrassed by their tics because they look unusual.

I have written up a short guide for parents discussing Tourette's and trying to answer some common questions (such as, "does my child have Tourette's?").

Tourette's Syndrome

Psychological Sticker Shock

The cost of psychological services can be surprising to some parents, and usually not in a good way. On the one hand, the cost of services for one's child and the benefits of those services should be easily justifiable (for example, consider how much we might spend on maintenance for something as comparatively unimportant as a car). On the other hand, that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to afford. Insurance coverage for psychological services varies a great deal, and even when insurance does offer to cover psychological services, some psychologists will not accept insurance.

Perhaps the most immediate comfort that can be offered is that psychologists have an ethical obligation (as required by the American Psychological Association) to not exploit patients, to seek to do good and aid the public, and to ensure that they do not harm others. Although the rates charged for service may vary, they should generally be fair. I've written up a guide in an effort to help increase parents' understanding about the cost of services and what those services might include. This guide is by no means perfect and it does not cover all services that might be provided, but it may help parents to make a little more sense out of what goes on in a clinic.

One rule that should always be remembered though: When not sure about something, feel free to ask. 

Cost of Services