Asking for Help is Successful Parenting

I see lots of frustrated and stressed out parents. There are a number of phrases that I hear so often I'm considering making a poster for my wall so parents know they're not alone. These phrases are what it may sound like when parents are calling for help:

Top 10 Parent Sayings
(that may indicate a need for a new plan)

1. It worked for a little while.
2. I’ve tried everything. 
3. Time-out doesn’t work.
4. I’ve tried explaining things. 
5. He should do it because he’s expected to.
6. I feel like I have to ask 100 times. 
7. Everything is a battle.
8. It’s like pulling teeth. 
9. He doesn’t care about getting spanked.
10. I have to call him down all the time. 

If you are a frustrated, confused, and stressed out parent, don't feel like it reflects poorly on you in any way to go ask for help. Asking for help when needed is the most responsible thing you can do as a parent. You are concerned about your child's welfare, you want to have a good relationship with them, and you want them to be successful. Asking for help may simply be a part of achieving that. Refusing to seek help because of pride can further increase your stress and may cause you to do something you would regret. 

When working with parents, a psychologist does not judge them and certainly doesn't think less of them. I have seen amazing parents and wonderful people come in for help. They have incredible patience and love for their children, but they have simply run out of ideas. I have tremendous respect for these parents because they have realized that they need to get some outside input and are taking action. When we are frustrated, it is hardest to think about things logically and realize what we need to do (as opposed to what we feel like doing). As an outsider, the psychologist has the luxury of not being directly affected by the child's behavior, not being as frustrated, and not being so personally invested that they lose the ability to be objective. 

Parenting is a hard job, but it can be the most rewarding experience as well. However, parents must take care of themselves so they can take care of their child. When you reach your limit, take a step back and consider if you might need to get a little help. Know that if you decide you do, it's not a failure, but a success.

Making Concessions

When we are trying to change a child's behavior, it is partly about identifying the behavior we want to see, but also about getting the child to actually engage in the behavior. Getting their cooperation can be very challenging. It may be a matter of identifying a good reward for the behavior, but it also may be a matter of managing inconvenience to the child. Naturally, if something is highly inconvenient, then we are reluctant to do it. Why should we expect it to be any different for children? We can develop an elaborate and brilliant behavior plan, but if the child will not actually do the behavior, then the plan has zero effectiveness.

So how do we address inconvenience? We consider what we are asking the child to give up. Whatever the child's problem behavior is, the child continues to do it for a reason. Identifying that reason is a good first step. We are also asking for a certain amount of time and effort for the new behavior. If we can reduce this demand, then we also improve the child's willingness to do the new behavior. When all else fails, we can ramp up the reward to make it "worthwhile."

Let's consider a common problem: Doing Homework
A child isn't doing his homework, instead he gets home, fights about homework, procrastinates, and maybe will do a little bit of it after a lot of nagging. This is frustrating and a pretty common situation. On the one hand, the child should do his homework (it's the right thing, everyone has to do it, and he is expected to), but the fact of the matter is he isn't doing it.

Let's consider why he isn't doing it. Is it because it is too hard? Is it because it takes too long? Is it because he likes to fight about it? Is it because his favorite show is on? We can consider many reasons, but ultimately the first one is a problem of ability (he can't do it, so he resists it) and must be addressed with instruction and practice. That's a legitimate problem and he needs some help. The other reasons have more to do with resistance because homework isn't fun and he would rather do things that are fun. That's behavior, and that's something that can be addressed.

We have a lot of options that are designed to make it feel like homework doesn't take "forever." We can set timers, we can have planned breaks, and we can break up the homework task into chunks (rather than 50 problems, it's just 5 sets of 10 problems with a break after each set). That can make a big task seem shorter. Now we work on the incentive to increase compliance. "Complete homework before the timer runs out and you get a reward (maybe some videogame or TV time)." Or maybe offer a small reward for each set of problems completed.

Summary
We would like for children to do "the right thing" because they should, but this expectation is not always reasonable (and sometimes it just doesn't matter). If we insist on it, we can get a lot of push back and lose a lot of time and patience. It's often helpful to consider why the child is resisting the task and accept that their reason, though perhaps ridiculous to you, is actually perfectly reasonable in their mind. Then focus on the problem rather than on your frustration and consider what you're asking them to give up. If you can adjust that a bit, you may suddenly get much less resistance and frustration (for everybody).

Token Reward Systems

Also known as "Token Economies", a token reward system can be a very effective way of modifying a child's behavior, but setting one up and maintaining it is often more involved and more challenging than parents expect. The basic idea is fairly straightforward: Token systems are "money" for children.
However, they require many considerations, such as"

• How many tokens does a behavior earn?
• Should all behaviors earn tokens?
• Should tokens reset at the end of the week?
• How many tokens should the rewards cost?
• Do I need to provide a token every time?
• Can tokens be taken away? 

I've seen quite a few parents begin to implement a token system and run into unexpected difficulties, and I've seen quite a few parents come in and tell me, "we've tried token systems, they don't work!" I'll not say that token systems always work, but they can be used with many behaviors and produce excellent success, but parents need to plan and prepare.

I've written up a basic guide on implementing token reward systems. The guide is meant to provide some guidelines and help parents plan a token system. Token systems often look different depending on the family, the behavior, the child's age, and what the child likes. Parents should feel encouraged to modify these systems as suits them, and involving the child in planning the rewards is usually a good idea!

One last word of caution with a token system: Make it predictable and consistent. Stick to it. It can take a child a while to figure out how a new system works and that it is actually something that's going to be around for a while (and therefore is worth adjusting to). 

Basic Token Reward System Guide