"Why should I?" (Child Defiance)

Parents and teachers make many requests of children. These requests are assumed to be reasonable (by the adult), but children may refuse to comply. Children may have many reasons for refusing to comply with a request, and understanding the reasons is usually helpful in getting compliance.

Can't do or won't do?
The first question we should ask is if a child is refusing to do the task because they "can't do" or if they simply"won't do?" If a child is incapable or believes that she is incapable of doing the task, then it is a "can't do" problem. We usually address this by teaching and practicing with the child to make it easier. Teaching and practicing a task that the child is refusing to do, however, can be difficult. Having some kind of a reward as an incentive can encourage them to put forth the effort and "give it a try." Giving them feedback as they get better can help them become more motivated and more confident (which makes it easier to get compliance in the future).

A "won't do" problem means that the child is able to do the task, but it is unpleasant for them or they would rather do something else. It's very common for children to want to do something else (for example, playing or watching TV), and a task like "clean your room" is naturally not appealing. One approach for getting compliance in this case is to allow the child to do what they want to do after they finish what you've asked them to do. When needed, you can also offer bigger rewards (for bigger tasks). This is essentially like paying your child for doing the task, which is not necessarily a bad thing (they will learn about that in the future anyway). Many parents are afraid that their child will come to expect a reward for "every little thing", but this rarely appears to happen and we can always reduce how often they get the rewards in the future. It is important to not think of it as "bribing" the child, though, because bribes are given for unethical or inappropriate activities, whereas rewards are given for appropriate activities.

Avoiding direct conflict (aka "opposition")
There are many things we cannot make a child do, and children will eventually discover this during direct conflicts with a parent. It does not help to get into a "power struggle" with a child because we 1) give them something they can oppose, and 2) they will sometimes win. By setting up choices for a child, we reduce the opportunity for them to directly oppose a parent, and essentially leave it up to them. If they want to play a favorite game, then they need to first complete their chore. If they refuse to complete their chore, then they simply do not get to play their favorite game. This is less about fighting with the parent (though expect the child to whine and nag; see Tantrums) and allows the child to make the decision for herself.

Providing multiple choices can be helpful at times as well. We may tell a child that she can choose which chore she wants to do and give her two or three options. It is usually not recommended to give too many options (which can be overwhelming). When a child selects one of the options, then she may be more willing because it was "her choice" (even though you set the options).

Why should I?
Always keep in mind that it is a fair question for the child to ask, "why should I?" when you ask them to do something. Just because it's a "fair question" doesn't necessarily mean that you have to engage them in some kind of debate or negotiation. However, acknowledging to yourself or anticipating this question can make it easier to understand the child's resistance and how to best overcome that resistance. There is further discussion about working with resistance and defiance in this post about "making concessions."

The last point I would like to make is: try to remain calm and patient. Defiance can be extremely frustrating, but becoming angry is not a good long-term solution even if it gets an immediate response. Your child watches and learns from how you handle these situations.

Importance of Silver Linings

"Bad behavior" is frustrating, common, and can quickly drive a parent to the end of their patience. Whatever we expect to see is what we are more likely to notice, regardless of how often it is really happening.  We are quick to notice when a child is engaging in bad behavior and before long it can become all we notice. In the same way, a child who has a tendency to get in trouble a lot quickly begins to expect to get in trouble. The process can become an unpleasant cycle and can put a strain on a parent's relationship with their child.

In a similar way, there is an effect referred to as "behavioral momentum." It is called "momentum" because the tendency is for an individual to continue behaving in the same manner when they start behaving in a certain way. This is commonly used by effective sales-people to convince customers to agree to things they probably would not have if simply asked upfront. In the case of a child, we can begin to prime a child's behavior to get more good behavior simply by getting the child to change their direction and praising them for it.

These two concepts (the first paragraph and the second paragraph) can be important for parents. When a child begins misbehaving, parents are quick to point it out, which begins to frustrate the child after it has happened a few times. The child quickly gets into a pattern of misbehavior, and the parent quickly gets into a pattern of scolding the child. More scolding is not likely to improve things; indeed, if the parent is having to scold many times, it has already been shown to not work at that time. It can take a tremendous effort, but if the parent deliberately changes direction and begins praising the child for doing relatively simple things correctly, then the child may begin to get into a more positive direction with their behavior too.

This may mean trying to identify the things the child has done right, creating easy requests for the child to make an opportunity to do something right, and trying to focus on the many things the child does right while not focusing on the little things that are done wrong. This process is not simple, but it can make a world of difference for a frustrated parent and child.

Another strategy (the Penny in a Pocket technique) for changing a child's behavior and our own behavior as parents is provided here.

Asking for Help is Successful Parenting

I see lots of frustrated and stressed out parents. There are a number of phrases that I hear so often I'm considering making a poster for my wall so parents know they're not alone. These phrases are what it may sound like when parents are calling for help:

Top 10 Parent Sayings
(that may indicate a need for a new plan)

1. It worked for a little while.
2. I’ve tried everything. 
3. Time-out doesn’t work.
4. I’ve tried explaining things. 
5. He should do it because he’s expected to.
6. I feel like I have to ask 100 times. 
7. Everything is a battle.
8. It’s like pulling teeth. 
9. He doesn’t care about getting spanked.
10. I have to call him down all the time. 

If you are a frustrated, confused, and stressed out parent, don't feel like it reflects poorly on you in any way to go ask for help. Asking for help when needed is the most responsible thing you can do as a parent. You are concerned about your child's welfare, you want to have a good relationship with them, and you want them to be successful. Asking for help may simply be a part of achieving that. Refusing to seek help because of pride can further increase your stress and may cause you to do something you would regret. 

When working with parents, a psychologist does not judge them and certainly doesn't think less of them. I have seen amazing parents and wonderful people come in for help. They have incredible patience and love for their children, but they have simply run out of ideas. I have tremendous respect for these parents because they have realized that they need to get some outside input and are taking action. When we are frustrated, it is hardest to think about things logically and realize what we need to do (as opposed to what we feel like doing). As an outsider, the psychologist has the luxury of not being directly affected by the child's behavior, not being as frustrated, and not being so personally invested that they lose the ability to be objective. 

Parenting is a hard job, but it can be the most rewarding experience as well. However, parents must take care of themselves so they can take care of their child. When you reach your limit, take a step back and consider if you might need to get a little help. Know that if you decide you do, it's not a failure, but a success.

Making Concessions

When we are trying to change a child's behavior, it is partly about identifying the behavior we want to see, but also about getting the child to actually engage in the behavior. Getting their cooperation can be very challenging. It may be a matter of identifying a good reward for the behavior, but it also may be a matter of managing inconvenience to the child. Naturally, if something is highly inconvenient, then we are reluctant to do it. Why should we expect it to be any different for children? We can develop an elaborate and brilliant behavior plan, but if the child will not actually do the behavior, then the plan has zero effectiveness.

So how do we address inconvenience? We consider what we are asking the child to give up. Whatever the child's problem behavior is, the child continues to do it for a reason. Identifying that reason is a good first step. We are also asking for a certain amount of time and effort for the new behavior. If we can reduce this demand, then we also improve the child's willingness to do the new behavior. When all else fails, we can ramp up the reward to make it "worthwhile."

Let's consider a common problem: Doing Homework
A child isn't doing his homework, instead he gets home, fights about homework, procrastinates, and maybe will do a little bit of it after a lot of nagging. This is frustrating and a pretty common situation. On the one hand, the child should do his homework (it's the right thing, everyone has to do it, and he is expected to), but the fact of the matter is he isn't doing it.

Let's consider why he isn't doing it. Is it because it is too hard? Is it because it takes too long? Is it because he likes to fight about it? Is it because his favorite show is on? We can consider many reasons, but ultimately the first one is a problem of ability (he can't do it, so he resists it) and must be addressed with instruction and practice. That's a legitimate problem and he needs some help. The other reasons have more to do with resistance because homework isn't fun and he would rather do things that are fun. That's behavior, and that's something that can be addressed.

We have a lot of options that are designed to make it feel like homework doesn't take "forever." We can set timers, we can have planned breaks, and we can break up the homework task into chunks (rather than 50 problems, it's just 5 sets of 10 problems with a break after each set). That can make a big task seem shorter. Now we work on the incentive to increase compliance. "Complete homework before the timer runs out and you get a reward (maybe some videogame or TV time)." Or maybe offer a small reward for each set of problems completed.

Summary
We would like for children to do "the right thing" because they should, but this expectation is not always reasonable (and sometimes it just doesn't matter). If we insist on it, we can get a lot of push back and lose a lot of time and patience. It's often helpful to consider why the child is resisting the task and accept that their reason, though perhaps ridiculous to you, is actually perfectly reasonable in their mind. Then focus on the problem rather than on your frustration and consider what you're asking them to give up. If you can adjust that a bit, you may suddenly get much less resistance and frustration (for everybody).

Sleep Routines

"Sleep problems" aren't really my main focus, but I've seen quite a few parents having problems with their child's sleep habits. The problems include the child not falling asleep in a reasonable amount of time, repeatedly getting out of bed, loudly complaining and refusing to go to bed, wanting to sleep in their parents' bed, or just being afraid of the dark. There are many things that can produce problems with sleep and there are many ways to deal with them. I always ask parents this same set of questions:

• What times does ____ usually go to bed (not necessarily asleep)?
• How long does it take for ____ to go to sleep?
• What time does ____ usually wake up in the morning?
• How easy is it for ____ to wake up?
• What is their mood when they wake up and do they seem tired the next day? 

I ask these questions for sleep problems and for a wide variety of behavior problems. Sleep is critical for a child (and for adults).  It is important for a child's physical and mental development, and it greatly affects their behavior and their ability to learn effectively in school. If a child hasn't gotten enough sleep, then the brain is less ready to learn and the child is less able to handle the frustration necessary for learning new things. We see more behavior problems because the child's tolerance for frustration is so low and their ability to control their behavior is simply not as good.

Though a child may try to insist otherwise, children really need sleep routines. They should be going to bed at basically the same time every night and waking up at about the same time every morning. By maintaining this, the child's body gets into the habit and they will naturally begin to feel more tired and ready for sleep at around the same time each day. This makes it much easier for them to go to sleep. As a quick note: I strongly discourage allowing children to fall asleep with the TV on. TV's are designed to be naturally stimulating and attention-grabbing.

It can also help to use a familiar routine of activities every night to prepare for bedtime. That might include taking a shower, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, laying in bed, listening to a story, and getting tucked in. The routine activities help prepare the brain for going to sleep. It is sort of like when you see a bunch of familiar landmarks on the way home. You know where you're going because you see all of the same things and you know what to expect at the end of it. It's the same way with these activities, but naturally you want your child's bedtime routine to include activities that are less exciting and stimulating for them so they can "wind down."


The first major step in helping your child with their sleep problems is to establish a routine and stick to it. Be consistent and they'll get the hang of it (if we keep changing it, they'll just be confused). We cannot make a child sleep (which they'll point out to you if they're fighting it), but we can help them be more successful at it. We can use a routine, we can require them to stay in their room, and we can remove a lot of the distractions they may use to keep from sleeping (toys, TV, video games...). Beyond that, we need a large amount of patience as they begin to learn how to sleep well.

Tourette's Syndrome

Tourette's Syndrome is a spectacular disorder full of profanity, if Hollywood actually portrayed it correctly. In truth, Tourette's is a neurological disorder that produces involuntary behaviors (very rarely profanity). These behaviors are called "tics", and include motor tics (movements of the body) and vocal tics (which typically produce sounds with the mouth or nose). The severity of the disorder can range from fairly small behaviors that are hard to notice, to very complex or forceful behaviors that can be physically harmful to the person with the disorder. Tourette's is not easy to understand and parents may be alarmed and frustrated by the child's behavior, or may simply try to ignore it and explain it as "something they'll grow out of."

In truth, some individuals do grow out of Tourette's (as they enter adulthood), but many others continue to have tics throughout their life. The tics in Tourette's come and go, increase and decrease in severity, and change over time (sometimes they are said to "move" from one area to another). In addition to tics, children with Tourette's may have obsessive-compulsive behaviors, difficulty controlling their emotional responses, and have more frequent behavior problems. I have had the opportunity to work with many individuals with Tourette's or related disorders, and have Tourette's myself. I wish to share a little bit about this commonly misunderstood disorder.

One thing that has really stood out to me is how often Tourette's goes undiagnosed and untreated. It may be because parents don't know that the child is showing tics or it may be because they do not wish to consider the possibility that their child has Tourette's. There is no "cure" for Tourette's, but there are good treatment options these days, including behavioral therapy ("CBIT" - Comprehensive Behavioral Intervention for Tics) and medication. Medication is usually used for more severe tics that risk producing medical harm, but behavioral therapy is a fairly quick (perhaps 12 sessions) and efficient approach to reducing the severity and frequency of tics. Tourette's is certainly nothing to be ashamed of because it is simply an impulse created by the brain (like blinking or breathing), but many people may feel embarrassed by their tics because they look unusual.

I have written up a short guide for parents discussing Tourette's and trying to answer some common questions (such as, "does my child have Tourette's?").

Tourette's Syndrome

Psychological Sticker Shock

The cost of psychological services can be surprising to some parents, and usually not in a good way. On the one hand, the cost of services for one's child and the benefits of those services should be easily justifiable (for example, consider how much we might spend on maintenance for something as comparatively unimportant as a car). On the other hand, that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to afford. Insurance coverage for psychological services varies a great deal, and even when insurance does offer to cover psychological services, some psychologists will not accept insurance.

Perhaps the most immediate comfort that can be offered is that psychologists have an ethical obligation (as required by the American Psychological Association) to not exploit patients, to seek to do good and aid the public, and to ensure that they do not harm others. Although the rates charged for service may vary, they should generally be fair. I've written up a guide in an effort to help increase parents' understanding about the cost of services and what those services might include. This guide is by no means perfect and it does not cover all services that might be provided, but it may help parents to make a little more sense out of what goes on in a clinic.

One rule that should always be remembered though: When not sure about something, feel free to ask. 

Cost of Services