Sleep Routines

"Sleep problems" aren't really my main focus, but I've seen quite a few parents having problems with their child's sleep habits. The problems include the child not falling asleep in a reasonable amount of time, repeatedly getting out of bed, loudly complaining and refusing to go to bed, wanting to sleep in their parents' bed, or just being afraid of the dark. There are many things that can produce problems with sleep and there are many ways to deal with them. I always ask parents this same set of questions:

• What times does ____ usually go to bed (not necessarily asleep)?
• How long does it take for ____ to go to sleep?
• What time does ____ usually wake up in the morning?
• How easy is it for ____ to wake up?
• What is their mood when they wake up and do they seem tired the next day? 

I ask these questions for sleep problems and for a wide variety of behavior problems. Sleep is critical for a child (and for adults).  It is important for a child's physical and mental development, and it greatly affects their behavior and their ability to learn effectively in school. If a child hasn't gotten enough sleep, then the brain is less ready to learn and the child is less able to handle the frustration necessary for learning new things. We see more behavior problems because the child's tolerance for frustration is so low and their ability to control their behavior is simply not as good.

Though a child may try to insist otherwise, children really need sleep routines. They should be going to bed at basically the same time every night and waking up at about the same time every morning. By maintaining this, the child's body gets into the habit and they will naturally begin to feel more tired and ready for sleep at around the same time each day. This makes it much easier for them to go to sleep. As a quick note: I strongly discourage allowing children to fall asleep with the TV on. TV's are designed to be naturally stimulating and attention-grabbing.

It can also help to use a familiar routine of activities every night to prepare for bedtime. That might include taking a shower, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, laying in bed, listening to a story, and getting tucked in. The routine activities help prepare the brain for going to sleep. It is sort of like when you see a bunch of familiar landmarks on the way home. You know where you're going because you see all of the same things and you know what to expect at the end of it. It's the same way with these activities, but naturally you want your child's bedtime routine to include activities that are less exciting and stimulating for them so they can "wind down."


The first major step in helping your child with their sleep problems is to establish a routine and stick to it. Be consistent and they'll get the hang of it (if we keep changing it, they'll just be confused). We cannot make a child sleep (which they'll point out to you if they're fighting it), but we can help them be more successful at it. We can use a routine, we can require them to stay in their room, and we can remove a lot of the distractions they may use to keep from sleeping (toys, TV, video games...). Beyond that, we need a large amount of patience as they begin to learn how to sleep well.

"Remorseless Children"

Parents and teachers want children to "do the right thing" because of a moral compass. Really, this compass is almost a magical device. We kind of expect it to happen without really thinking about what it takes to develop moral reasoning. There's a lot of research out there about moral reasoning, and a couple of my favorite points are that two things are very important for its development: 1) the ability to think about and understand things, and 2) experiences that challenge the child's current moral beliefs. I like those ideas. They're neat, they make sense (intuitively), and they're very appealing (maybe because they don't put all of the responsibility on parents). The problem is they don't give us any comfort when a child is engaging in aggressive behavior and doesn't appear to feel guilty.

I've heard from parents, teachers, and daycare providers that some children are "remorseless" or even take pleasure in the suffering of their peers. That seems scary and is likely to make us think of criminals, murderers, and so forth. Maybe there is a biological risk of a child having a natural tendency to become a criminal, but it does not do any good to assume a child is "bad" or destined to become the next Jack the Ripper (or Hamburgler). If we assumed that it was the child's fate, then at the worst we abandon all efforts to change the child, and at best we begin thinking from the perspective that this child is "bad." It's better to think of the child's behavior and what we want them to do instead of their current behavior.

"But he smiles and laughs after hitting his classmate/taking something from his classmate!"

We're thinking from our own perspective in that situation. We don't actually know why he is smiling or laughing, though, and we're making a pretty big assumption: that the child is thinking like an adult or feeling emotions like an adult. It's also not a well-supported assumption. Children have only had a limited amount of time to learn how the world works, and that includes their "internal world" (emotions, thoughts, and body sensations). Consider the following questions:

- When an infant smiles or laughs, what kind of reaction does that get from other people?
- If a child is feeling nervous, worried, or confused, what kind of reaction do you expect from them?
- What do you think the child is expecting after hitting his classmate?
- What does "remorse" look like? How do you really know it's happened?

I'm oversimplifying here, but when young children feel worried, sad, upset, frustrated, irritated, angry, anxious, confused, or nervous, what they're really feeling is "Upset." It's one category for them and all of those emotions fit in there. They aren't that good at telling the difference yet, nor are they very good at controlling their behavior when they suddenly get a strong feeling. It takes a lot of time to understand the difference between frustrated and irritated, or worried and nervous. If you ask a child what those emotions feel like, they'll probably tell you that they feel "bad" and that's about it (note: I've asked many children and gotten the same responses). It also takes a lot of time and practice to get good at not immediately responding to how one feels. Indeed, many adults still can't stop themselves from acting immediately in response to a strong emotion. It's just how humans are wired; it helps a lot in certain situations, but the classroom is not one of those situations.

So we should consider that this child is not "remorseless" (which really isn't even a "thing" for young children yet), but that he/she doesn't know how to respond to the worry they're feeling about getting in trouble (which they know is coming). We shouldn't pay as much attention to what we see on their face at that time. We need to focus on what we want them to do differently, give them every incentive and advantage in being able to do that, and then letting them know when they've done the right thing instead of the wrong thing. Try to take ourselves out of the situation and instead focus on the behavior and the child. It's hard to do because we don't naturally think that way, but it is more helpful than assuming the child is seeing things the same way we do.