Tantrums

As mentioned before, initially infants have very few tools at their disposal to get what they want and communicate their needs. Early on, they basically have one tool: crying. After several months, they've usually developed the "social smile" (smiling in response to people as opposed to just smiling at nothing in particular). It takes quite a while for the infant to develop the ability to use any words or gestures, but all this time they're still using crying and it provides great results! This indispensable tool is never discarded. However, it's important to be aware of what this learning process leads to: the infant learns to cry to get what he wants. 
 

Ultimately, as the infant grows, this yields two distinct effects (one "good" and one "not-so-good"). The good effect is that the infant learns to use verbal expression (first crying/screaming and later words) to get what he wants. That is fundamental to being human and a good thing to develop. The common "not-so-good" effect is that the infant becomes a toddler who still wants things and learns that if at first crying doesn't work, then maybe crying louder will work. This frequently gives way to crying, screaming, saying "hurtful" things, and possibly even flailing on the ground or knocking things to the floor. In other words, "the tantrum." 
 

A tantrum is an effective tool for getting parents to "give in" because it produces an extremely unpleasant situation for parents (an "unpleasant stimulus"). When done at home, the tantrum is loud and abrasive; naturally parents want it to stop. When done in public, however, the tantrum is not just loud and abrasive, it is also embarrassing. A child's power over parents is perhaps never greater than it is in public. It's natural to feel embarrassed; people often look to see what's going on (it is loud and pretty spectacular), but allowing yourself to feel embarrassed only increases the child's power and the likelihood that you will give in to the request. This last point is critical to understanding tantrums and how to reduce them. 
 

Remember, when a behavior is rewarded ("reinforced"), it is more likely to occur again. Withholding the reward is necessary to reduce the behavior. Even better, of course, withholding the reward for the bad behavior while teaching and rewarding a good behavior is ideal (we want to teach children what they're supposed to do, not just what they're not supposed to do). With tantruming we're usually stuck withholding the reward for the bad behavior (the tantrum) because the child already wanted something and began the tantrum because we said, "no." 
 

What do we do when we used to do something that worked, but suddenly it doesn't work? We try again. Furthermore, we try again harder. We know it used to work, therefore we must need to try it harder to get it to work again! Children use exactly the same approach (not necessarily that they're aware of it, it's automatic). As such, what does a child do when a tantrum (originally, "crying") used to work, but you try to ignore it? They're just going to tantrum harder! That's probably just about the worst thing a parent can imagine when in a public place like a department store or restaurant, but it's almost guaranteed to happen. 

 

At this point, you have a few options of what to do. You can try to reason with the child, explaining why they can't have/do what they wanted. You can make a "peace-offering", suggesting that the child can't have/do whatever right now, but if they're good they can have it later. You can scold the child for the tantrum, initially just taking a disapproving tone, but likely escalating up to yelling before it's all done. You can physically punish the child by offering your own "unpleasant stimulus" (e.g., spanking, dragging them out of the store, etc...). You can try the old time-out in the store, knowing that it's the "gold standard" for punishment and hoping to be a paragon of parenting. You can ignore it. You can just leave the store (and possibly go home). Let's run through the options and their typical results: 

1. Reasoning – in this situation, the child is already pretty worked up and probably doesn't want to listen to you unless the words coming out of your mouth are "ok, you can have/do that." It's unlikely to work the way you want it to, and you're still giving the child your attention, which is a step closer to you giving in (meaning the tantrum is "working" because it is "rewarded"). Children will often listen for a moment and then, when you still don't give them what they wanted, likely resume tantruming, possibly even harder because they're trying to move you along the way toward the outcome they want. 
2. Peace-offering – this is more likely to teach them the tantrum worked. Ask yourself this, were you originally planning to give them what they wanted before the situation began? If not, then they changed that outcome by throwing a tantrum, it worked, and they now know that this is an effective way of getting what they want. You're the parent, there's no reason you have to make a peace-offering (because you're the one in control). However, there is a way to use this more effectively and make a "teachable moment" out of it. We do want children to learn how to delay gratification (a critical ability in the long-run). If they already have a token system used to earn rewards, then you can tell them that you will add the item they want (the toy or whatever it may be) to their list of possible rewards they can earn. If you don't have a token system setup, though, this is not the time to try to start it. Wait until you're home and both calmed down and maybe think about it then. 
3. Scolding – this often starts off with you reminding your child about the rules or providing a quick correction to his behavior, but likely will end up with you yelling at your child to be quiet, stop that tantrum, etc... In the end, it typically becomes an adult tantrum, isn't modeling the behavior we want the child to do, and doesn't really stop the tantrum until a bunch of threats are uttered and one of them finally takes hold (or the child gets tired). It also is adding "fuel to the fire", because the child is already worked up and you're making the situation even more fired up by scolding and/or yelling. This is unlikely to provide the outcome we want. 
4. Physical punishment – this is more likely to make the child focus on your reaction to what has happened than the rules. Remember, when a child misbehaves and gets punished, we don't want them to focus on the parent and their reaction. We want the child to focus on the rules and their own behavior (and how their own behavior violated the rules). While in a tantrum, the child is already emotionally worked up anyway and, just like with scolding, you're adding fuel to the fire when using physical punishment. Removing the child from the situation is sometimes necessary, but should be done as calmly and unemotionally as you can imagine. The child doesn't need any explanation when doing so either, because he already knows exactly why you're leaving the store (remember, children are really good at figuring out simple cause and effect). 
5. Time-out – it's true that time-out is the "gold standard" for punishment, but the reason for that is because it removes all of the "fun options" for the child. If the child is in a tantrum, then you've already denied him the "fun option." There's not much to remove with time-out. 
6. Ignoring – strangely, this is generally the most effective approach to dealing with a tantrum, but it's also very hard to do. This is what was referred to at earlier; we try harder when something that used to work suddenly doesn't work. By ignoring the tantrum, you are withholding any sort of "reward" for the tantrum. Ideally, by engaging in a tantrum, the child gets nothing. However, this is hard to do because a) it's a very unpleasant situation for you (remember, it's designed to be), and b) the tantrum is likely to get worse before it gets better. If you can manage to wait it out, the tantrum should eventually stop and be less likely to occur in the future. It is likely you will have to go through this many times, though, before the child finally stops engaging in tantrums. Think of it this way, just because it (the tantrum) didn't work once, who says it won't work again in the future? You say it won't, and you "say" that by ignoring it every time. Note: you cannot ignore a tantrum when there is a risk of harm! 
7. Leave the store – when ignoring is not an option, this is generally the second best option. Under no circumstances should the tantrum result in the child getting what he wants. Sometimes you're unable to ignore (because of where you are, because you're just too tired to put up with it, etc.), and then you should consider just going home. It is not recommended that you just step outside because the child may perceive that there is still some hope of getting what he wanted. When you go home, you remove that possibility for the time being and it sends a fairly clear message to the child. This can be very hard to do when you need something from the store, but there is no easy solution. You can try again after a while (maybe 30 minutes to an hour). If someone else can watch your child while you do that, it is ideal to do so, but if not, prepare for the tantrum again and maybe avoid that area of the store if possible. It's also an opportunity for you to reward the child for engaging in "good behavior" (not tantruming) instead. It is still not recommended that the child can acquire the previous object he desired because you are still rewarding the earlier tantrum, but you might be able to offer a lesser reward for good behavior (such as a snack, pack of stickers, etc.).