Importance of Silver Linings

"Bad behavior" is frustrating, common, and can quickly drive a parent to the end of their patience. Whatever we expect to see is what we are more likely to notice, regardless of how often it is really happening.  We are quick to notice when a child is engaging in bad behavior and before long it can become all we notice. In the same way, a child who has a tendency to get in trouble a lot quickly begins to expect to get in trouble. The process can become an unpleasant cycle and can put a strain on a parent's relationship with their child.

In a similar way, there is an effect referred to as "behavioral momentum." It is called "momentum" because the tendency is for an individual to continue behaving in the same manner when they start behaving in a certain way. This is commonly used by effective sales-people to convince customers to agree to things they probably would not have if simply asked upfront. In the case of a child, we can begin to prime a child's behavior to get more good behavior simply by getting the child to change their direction and praising them for it.

These two concepts (the first paragraph and the second paragraph) can be important for parents. When a child begins misbehaving, parents are quick to point it out, which begins to frustrate the child after it has happened a few times. The child quickly gets into a pattern of misbehavior, and the parent quickly gets into a pattern of scolding the child. More scolding is not likely to improve things; indeed, if the parent is having to scold many times, it has already been shown to not work at that time. It can take a tremendous effort, but if the parent deliberately changes direction and begins praising the child for doing relatively simple things correctly, then the child may begin to get into a more positive direction with their behavior too.

This may mean trying to identify the things the child has done right, creating easy requests for the child to make an opportunity to do something right, and trying to focus on the many things the child does right while not focusing on the little things that are done wrong. This process is not simple, but it can make a world of difference for a frustrated parent and child.

Another strategy (the Penny in a Pocket technique) for changing a child's behavior and our own behavior as parents is provided here.

Making Concessions

When we are trying to change a child's behavior, it is partly about identifying the behavior we want to see, but also about getting the child to actually engage in the behavior. Getting their cooperation can be very challenging. It may be a matter of identifying a good reward for the behavior, but it also may be a matter of managing inconvenience to the child. Naturally, if something is highly inconvenient, then we are reluctant to do it. Why should we expect it to be any different for children? We can develop an elaborate and brilliant behavior plan, but if the child will not actually do the behavior, then the plan has zero effectiveness.

So how do we address inconvenience? We consider what we are asking the child to give up. Whatever the child's problem behavior is, the child continues to do it for a reason. Identifying that reason is a good first step. We are also asking for a certain amount of time and effort for the new behavior. If we can reduce this demand, then we also improve the child's willingness to do the new behavior. When all else fails, we can ramp up the reward to make it "worthwhile."

Let's consider a common problem: Doing Homework
A child isn't doing his homework, instead he gets home, fights about homework, procrastinates, and maybe will do a little bit of it after a lot of nagging. This is frustrating and a pretty common situation. On the one hand, the child should do his homework (it's the right thing, everyone has to do it, and he is expected to), but the fact of the matter is he isn't doing it.

Let's consider why he isn't doing it. Is it because it is too hard? Is it because it takes too long? Is it because he likes to fight about it? Is it because his favorite show is on? We can consider many reasons, but ultimately the first one is a problem of ability (he can't do it, so he resists it) and must be addressed with instruction and practice. That's a legitimate problem and he needs some help. The other reasons have more to do with resistance because homework isn't fun and he would rather do things that are fun. That's behavior, and that's something that can be addressed.

We have a lot of options that are designed to make it feel like homework doesn't take "forever." We can set timers, we can have planned breaks, and we can break up the homework task into chunks (rather than 50 problems, it's just 5 sets of 10 problems with a break after each set). That can make a big task seem shorter. Now we work on the incentive to increase compliance. "Complete homework before the timer runs out and you get a reward (maybe some videogame or TV time)." Or maybe offer a small reward for each set of problems completed.

Summary
We would like for children to do "the right thing" because they should, but this expectation is not always reasonable (and sometimes it just doesn't matter). If we insist on it, we can get a lot of push back and lose a lot of time and patience. It's often helpful to consider why the child is resisting the task and accept that their reason, though perhaps ridiculous to you, is actually perfectly reasonable in their mind. Then focus on the problem rather than on your frustration and consider what you're asking them to give up. If you can adjust that a bit, you may suddenly get much less resistance and frustration (for everybody).

Planned "Together Time"

One of my favorite stories from my work is about a child who frequently had severe tantrums and disruptive behaviors at home. The problems weren't quite as bad at daycare, but when he was home after daycare, he would often seemed to suddenly engage in disruptive behavior (like screaming, slamming the door, hitting/kicking the wall or couch...) with little apparent reason. The mother and I brainstormed for a while trying to figure out what was setting him off. It's not rare for triggers to be things we don't notice, so we have to take time to really sit and think of all possibilities and rule them out.

In this case, the child was being raised by a single, working mother. She dropped him off at daycare in the morning and picked him up at about 5pm. Then she made dinner and let him play. After talking for a while, we noticed that whenever he would engage in these tantrums and disruptive behaviors, his mother would go over and talk to him to try to calm him down and find out what was bothering him. He would usually calm down after a bit, but then might start up again later. We thought that maybe it was in fact the mother's response (direct attention) that was maintaining the behavior. Essentially, he was acting up to get her attention.

We came up with a plan for this child that involved a planned period of "together time with mom" every day after daycare. They would simply sit down and enjoy an activity together. The activity isn't terribly important, and if it is TV, then that's fine (we'd rather it be something interactive, but TV is better than nothing!). The mother also taught the child a different way to ask for attention: he could come sit by her, tap her, or hug her. Any of those would start some "together time with mom." (Using words to ask for attention is fine too, but if the child doesn't have good language yet, then these alternatives are easy for them to do.)

Later, if his mother noticed the child getting upset, then instead of scolding him, she would happily call his name and ask him to come sit with her. This is preempting the behavior (catching it before it escalates) so that behavior doesn't get rewarded. To preempt a behavior we have to be especially observant to notice before it occurs. That can be hard to do, but if we can prevent the behavior from even occurring, then it is not rewarded, which is good!

The theory behind this solution:
When a child is engaging in a "bad behavior" to get something (tantrums in this case), it's often helpful to see if we can find an alternative behavior they can do to get the same thing. We want that behavior to be as easy or easier than the original target behavior. That's not always possible, and if it isn't, then we want to make the reward (the payoff) even better to compensate. Ideally, the child also won't have to do the new behavior for as long or with as much energy as the original (basically like just saying one word to get the reward as opposed to a whole conversation).

This story shows an example of addressing the "antecedent" (things that occur before the behavior and maybe cause the behavior to occur) and identifying the reinforcement (the reward that maintains the behavior). Additionally, there is a lot of value in promoting a close relationship with a child: the child listens better, pays more attention to the parent, values the parent's opinion, and the parent feels less stressed and more patient with the child.