Getting Compliance

Parents typically expect that if they ask their child to do something (for example, "Put on your coat"), that the child should get up and comply with the request. Though this may be the expectation, in reality compliance happens far less often (perhaps anywhere from 10% of the time to 70% of the time). There are many factors that affect the likelihood of compliance. Understanding some of these can help parents to increase the likelihood of compliance and reduce their frustration. Additionally, it actually reduces the child's frustration as well, which has the added benefit of reducing a variety of undesirable behaviors. This article presents some of the factors that affect compliance in children.

1. Phrasing - Simply put: If a request is open-ended, then the the likelihood of compliance is much less. Some examples of open-ended requests:

• "Can you put your shoes on?"
• "Is it time to go?" or "Can we go now?"
• "Would you like to give ____ a turn now?" 

In contrast, if a request is clearly made as a request, then the child at least knows what you want and you're not merely "making a suggestion" that the child is free to decline if they so choose. You can still be polite in making the request, and not all requests need to be "closed", but if you really want the child to comply, then the request should not be open-ended. To rephrase the above in a closed manner, you could try the following:

• "Please put your shoes on."
• "It's time to go, let's get ready." 
• "Give ____ a turn now" or "Let's share and give ____ a turn now."

2. Finality - Strangely, children (especially very young children) tend to interpret events as "the last time ever." If you want a child to stop an activity for the time being (to go eat, give someone else a turn, to go home, etc.), they may react as if you have told them they may never do that activity again. This means they really need to tantrum, possibly even ramp up their tantrum to a new level, so you understand how important the activity is and how much they enjoy doing it. In reality, you're probably just asking them to stop doing the activity at that time, but they will be able to do it again later. The problem lies in the way children perceive the flow of time. If they're feeling impatient (or excited, scared, nervous, angry, anxious...), then 5 minutes is an eternity. Suggesting they can do something "tomorrow" is a very fuzzy thing. They can certainly tell you what it means (in literal terms) and may have some basic idea of the fact that "tomorrow" is a real thing and it will eventually come, but it is still an inconceivably long time away. Similarly, chores that would require 10 - 15 minutes can produce a tremendous amount of resistance because, if 5 minutes is an eternity, you just gave them something that takes 2 or 3 eternities (aka, "forever!").

We can greatly reduce the resistance that comes from this sense of finality by mentioning that they will be able to do the activity again and some idea of when that will be. For example, "I want you to stop doing that for a moment and put up that other toy. You can continue playing afterward." In my practice with children, simply providing them with some idea of when they can do the activity again, and making clear that we're not actually stopping the activity, merely pausing it, greatly reduces their resistance. There are many situations where an activity must be truly stopped for an extended time, in which case providing them with an alternative of what they will be able to do can help. For example, "Go ahead and put up those toys please. We're going home and you can play with your toys there."

 3. Credit - The relationship between a parent and a child can significantly affect the likelihood that the child will perform the parent's request. If there has been a history of opposition, frustration, or conflict, then the child is less likely to comply with the request (and more likely to actually oppose the parent directly). Spending time with the child in a non-directive, and non-corrective way can help "build credit" with the child. This credit is consumed when making requests. Building more credit can help to make interactions much easier overall. Credit-building requires planned periods of time doing activities together (without the parent correcting the child, if possible), which should usually be daily at first and for about 20-30 minutes at a time. This can be very challenging, but the pay-off is worth it. (More info on having Planned Together Time)

4. Choices - Choices can greatly reduce resistance, especially with children who act as if they want control over their lives (Note: it's hard to know what the true motivation is, but many children act in a way that suggests they want control). There are two kinds of choices you can offer: a) choice between your request and getting something they want, or not doing your request and not getting what they want, b) choice between two or three activities that you want.

The first one is basically where you tell the child what you want them to do and then offer them an incentive for doing so. For example, "Please clean up the den. Then you can go outside." For this to work, you absolutely must follow through. If they do not clean the den, then they do not get to go outside. At the same time, you offered them a choice and they can choose to not do it with no further consequence. If "I'm not cleaning the den." is not an option, then do not offer the choice.

The second is where you are offering a few options, but they are expected to choose one. For example, "You can clean your room, vacuum the den, or load the dishwasher." The child is expected to perform one activity, but only one. Using additional rewards with this approach is often much more effective (see Token systems).

5. Placating/Reasoning - Don't do this. If at all possible, do not try to reason with the child about why your request is a great idea and that they should comply because they want to. It is extremely unlikely that reasons (no matter how compelling) will make a significant difference over the long-run. In the process, you risk undermining your authority (what if the child thinks your reasons aren't very good?) and give the impression that everything is negotiable. There are certainly times for those kinds of discussions, but when you're making the request is not the best time for it.

Even more importantly, try to avoid the (natural) temptation to begin offering up more incentives for the child to comply with your request (aka "placating"). Decide before what approach you want to use with the request (if you're going to offer a reward for completing the request) and then decide what you will offer. If the child finds your offer undesirable, then that should be the end of it. If you start to add more, then you're teaching your child to hold out for better offers in future requests as well. Certainly teaching children to be effective negotiators has some value, but there are better ways to develop that skill without undermining your authority as the parent.

6. Short Interactions - This is an interesting one. Research has repeatedly shown that long interactions between a parent and child (during conflicts, arguments, requests, etc.) are likely to escalate and that the result is seldom desirable. Simply put, you should keep the request interaction short. Make your request, lay out your terms, and if the child refuses, carry through a brief plan for how you're going to deal with it. Just imagine there is a timer counting down and if it hits 0, then the time limit for the interaction is up. Conversely, do not try to rush a child either. If a child is rushed, they are put under stress. If they are put under stress, then frustration and resistance are likely to increase, and the interaction may escalate. It is somewhat difficult to explain without showing, but essentially you are working under an imaginary time limit, but trying to keep your "game face" on and not let the child see that you're trying to hurry through. So allow the child a moment to wrap up what they were doing, then repeat the request (while indicating that they will be able to resume the activity or engage in another afterward), and if necessary try to help them begin doing what you requested.

More info on Child Defiance